I think about this kind of thing all the time. I often just look around at other people and all that we've created on this planet, and am amazed at what a bunch of monkeys are capable of, both good and bad. (Yes, I know we're not really monkeys; we're closer to chimpanzees.)

For some reason, I started feeling profoundly sad around lunchtime today. Also, hungry. So I decided to take a walk to relax, think about some things, and find something cheap to eat.

Almost immediately after exiting the building, a guy in a baseball cap walked up to me and tried to hand me a religious tract entitled "I'm a Pretty Good Person". He said, "You need to accept Jesus as your Savior." I said, "Okay," and kept my hands in my pockets as I continued walking down the sidewalk. As I was walking away, he kept speaking loudly to my back. "You will be held accountable! It'll be the saddest day of your life if you die without Christ!"

"That was interesting," I thought to myself as he faded into the distance. A street preacher handing out tracts. As my Christian faith has slowly but surely come crumbling down, I had forgotten that people still do that kind of thing. I smiled nostalgically to myself as I remembered that there was a time in my life when I could have been that guy. For a moment, I was struck with the thought, "What if he's right?" And then I started remembering the seventy thousand reasons why he's not.

I strolled around the block, trying to breathe the fresh city air and figure out why I was so sad. Also, hungry. I changed course toward Wendy's, which was about three blocks away. As I walked past Pioneer Park, where all the homeless people live, I wondered whether homelessness is caused by mental illness, or bad choices, or something else. I don't think I've ever known any homeless people.

When I got to Wendy's, I ordered a few value menu items to go, even though I wasn't planning to go anywhere. I sat down at a seat facing the window, where I noticed a homeless man wrapped in a blanket across the street. As I chewed my bacon cheeseburger, he sat huddled on the sidewalk, looking at the people passing by. I thought to myself, "Where is he going? What is he doing? Why is he hanging out on the sidewalk instead of finding something to do?" Then I asked the same questions of myself, and didn't come up with any good answers.

On the walk back to the office, I heard a man walking up behind me and talking somewhat loudly. He sounded like he was talking to someone, but I didn't realize he was talking to me until he said, "Hey man, you've got a real peaceful walk, I like that." I said thanks, and apologized for not knowing he was talking to me. As the man passed, he asked if I was going over to the park, and I said no, that I was just walking by. He said, "Okay man, if you need anything, just let me know."

As the man walked on ahead of me, he looked back at me a few times before crossing the street toward the park. I was a little concerned at the strange nature of our conversation, and then it occurred to me that he was probably a drug dealer. And since I had seen his face, he knew that I could identify him. As I realized this, suddenly everything made sense. The street preacher. The homeless man. The drug dealer. "I'm about to get shot in the head," I thought to myself. "Oh well, it's been a good life."

I continued walking at a normal pace, looking around at the world peacefully as if each moment were about to be my last. None of them were. I arrived back at the office, still a little melancholy and no less confused. It's nice to be alive. Also, not hungry. Now I just need to figure out what to do next.

There's something about 100 Years by Five for Fighting that just gets me. It makes me joyful, sad, hopeful, and nostalgic all at once. I haven't had a favorite song in quite a while, but this may be it.

I've been increasingly edgy lately, and I'm not sure why. No, that's not true, I'm pretty sure I know why, but that's a story for later. Anyway, I really hate being in a bad mood. I've always seen myself as a pretty easygoing, friendly, and happy person, but lately...

Here's an example from this morning. For the past few years, I've volunteered to stock the snack shelf where I work. You take a snack, put a tick by your name on the chart, and pay at the end of the month or whatever. I try to do a reasonable job of keeping the shelf filled, but I'm a busy guy, and sometimes popular items will run out for a little while. Never more than a week or so, though, because I try to keep on top of it.

Anyway, I've been noticing that Pop-Tarts (the most popular item of all) have been getting low, so when I made a Costco run a few days ago, I intended to buy some more. For some reason, Costco didn't have Pop-Tarts that day. Oh well, I figured I'd wait and see if they have them again in a week or so. Yesterday, the Pop-Tart supply on the shelf actually ran out. This morning, one of the guys at work who is a major consumer of Pop-Tarts made a sort of passive-aggressive comment to me, implying that I need to do a better job of stocking the shelf, and tried to pass it off as humor or something. He's made comments like this to me before, and this time it really ticked me off. Within five minutes, I sent out an email telling everyone that I was no longer going to stock the shelf and asked for volunteers to take my place. And I spent the next hour fuming to myself about how I'm nobody's slave, I'm volunteering to provide a convenient service, and I'll be damned if I need to take crap from anyone as if they're entitled to tell me I'm not doing a good enough job after one morning without Pop-Tarts. Buy your own freaking Pop-Tarts if you love them so much!

Um... hello? Isn't this a little bit of an overreaction? Yes, it is. That's why it's a good example of how I've been acting lately. I don't mind ditching the snack volunteer thing, because I really don't have time for it anyway. But I do mind the fact that I'm apparently in such a foul mood that I can be knocked off kilter by a single comment. That's no way to live. I really, really dislike being this grumpy.

Today is the last day of my 20s. After today I can no longer pretend to be a hip youngster. Or... cool, or tight, or whatever kids are saying these days. Actually, it's a little surprising that I'm still in my 20s at all. I feel much older. I guess I should be feeling nostalgic, but I'm nostalgic enough on a daily basis. At the moment, I would rather read a book than reminisce.

It was also my anniversary this weekend, and my wife and I spent two whole kidless days at a B&B in Park City. We went to see Spider-Man 3, and both enjoyed it. We sat and read books for a few leisurely hours. We saw Les Misérables, which I already loved, but now I recognize that it is my favorite stage production in the history of the universe. We had very nice dinners both Friday and Saturday, which was especially nice since we've recently begun living on a fairly tight budget.

That was one more nice thing about this weekend: it's already paid off. I get paid bimonthly, and my paycheck from May 1 was the first one we completely budgeted according to our new plan for paying off debt. It feels wonderful to be in control, to have cash in our pockets knowing how it will be spent, and not to feel guilty about spending it. Sticking to a budget for a single paycheck is a small goal to have achieved, but we achieved it! And we paid off a large chunk of our short-term credit card debt as well. Next month, the short-term debt should be completely gone, and we can take aim at the larger, long-term ones. I'm excited to stick to the plan and watch the debt keep disappearing.

So anyway, turning 30? I suppose it's not so bad. I'm happy with where I am in life, and there's plenty of time left to do anything in the world.

I suck at answering email. I really do. When email was brand new to me, almost 15 years ago (holy cow), I used to respond to everything within seconds of receiving it. Nowadays I am much lazier, often letting email sit unanswered for months. Especially email with Zyzzyva questions, since answering those requires actual thought. Yet those are the ones that deserve an especially quick response, because the writers of those emails have actual needs. Also, when those emails sit unanswered for a long time, the author of the software is probably perceived as distant and unresponsive, and people's perception of Zyzzyva itself may be negatively affected, or they may simply give up and move on.

I guess I am sort of distant and unresponsive, though. Especially since I now have two kids who are old enough to fight constantly. I think that's when my personal productivity level took a dramatic drop, when my son turned one or so, and developed the ability to play with my daughter's toys without her permission. It's unbelievable how much attention young kids require. Not that I'm complaining; I love spending time with my kids, and raising them is priority #1 for my wife and me. But between raising them and all the other various responsibilities of church and community, and considering I would like to learn some Scrabble words myself, everything else pretty much takes a back seat. When I do occasionally get some free time and don't feel like studying, I mostly want to chill out by reading a book or playing a video game. Only rarely do I actually sit down and answer a significant amount of email.

This is difficult for me, because I like to please people. When I was in 2nd grade, other kids would come and ask me for help all the time, and because I'm a people-pleaser, I never really said no even though I was unable to get my own work done because of it. My teachers and parents noticed, and soon I had a sign on my desk that I could flip to the green side (Yes, I Can Help) or the red side (Sorry, I Can't Help). That helped a lot, because I could just flip the sign when I was busy, without having to say no to anyone personally.

I'd like my sign to be green a lot more than it has been lately. But with how busy my life has gotten, it simply has to be red most of the time. So this is an apology to anyone who has emailed me over the past few months and hasn't gotten a response, or anyone who will email me in the future and whose email will sit in my inbox for a while. I'm sorry about that. For Zyzzyva questions or suggestions, I would very highly recommend sending them to the Zyzzyva Users mailing list rather than to me personally. That way, many people will see and can hopefully answer your questions much more quickly than I will. For those of you who have been answering questions on the list (redaragorn and Richard Johnson come to mind, but I know there are others), thank you for doing that. I appreciate it.

I know this is probably not even a big deal for anyone but me, but it really bothers me to be unresponsive, so I wanted to write something about it. I'm probably also feeling strongly about it because I'm so tired. I should go to bed early tonight. Anyway, thanks for your patience with me.

"You guys are all nutsoid. Hey, NUTSOID* plus WH makes WHODUNITS!" *wife rolls eyes*

It's such a nice day outside. Why am I cooped up in the basement, cleaning? I should be cooped up in the basement, studying words.